The Nature of History
by Madhumalati
Summary: Five characters speculate on the past, the future, love and a certain Moon Guardian. Postseries, TYY, CY. Oneshot.


Summary: Five men speculate about a certain Moon Guardian. Set a few years after the series. Spoilers.Clow is speaking in his lifetime.

**_The Nature of History._**

_**Yukito:**_

Being a hidden personality has its uses. I may not be able to read Yue's mind, but I am him, and in some ways I know him better than he knows me. When my thoughts go blank and Yue takes over, I dream in a way that humans do. I dream of him dreaming of me, of him. And in those flashes of dreams, incoherent, honest, fever-broken, I catch glimpses of emotions, memories, pain, love, regret, Clow. So many memories of Clow. On an intellectual level, it could be said that Yue spent his entire 'first life' with Clow, and that is why his memories are so wrapped up in him. But the keenness of the memories and the emotion that swirls around them says otherwise to me.

Yue. The other half of me. He thought I was a fiction, a mask, of no greater significance than makeup. But he created me too well. My personality is the creation of a creation, but in some ways I feel more real than Yue thinks he does. I, at least, have nothing to question. I know what I am, if not who I am. Yue………is so afraid, of himself and of me and of the world at large. I don't fear myself because I don't think of myself as incomplete, as Yue does. The sense of separation that Yue feels does not truly exist for me. Perhaps it's because he is the dominant one in our relationship; I'm used to blacking out and coming to miles and hours away, but any lack of control disturbs Yue's mind.

We are two selves, and where we are one, we are complete. We are real. What is Yue, cold, mysterious, brooding Yue, without caring and gentleness and the joy in life that I feel? And what am I, Tsukishiro Yukito, without the power and the charisma and the overwhelming presence of Yue?

I think that Yue must have woken to so much pain, he didn't tell me about him in order to spare me from the pain. To spare a part of himself from the pain. The thought reassures me when I wonder if he acknowledges me at all, whether he believes I am real, as I believe he is real.

_**Yue:**_

Yukito. False form, illusion, mask, not real. I have called him all this, in my mind and out loud, and yet I wonder. I may have created him, but I don't know him. History repeats itself, they say; but this is one pattern of creator and creation that I would never want to see again. I wonder who he truly is.

A strange thing for me to say, no doubt, since I know his every thought, his dreams, his waking, his mind and his heart. I am wound inextricably in him, and I know everything he does, but I still do not understand why he is who he is.

Clow asked me to make Yukito, to design my own false form, after he announced that he would be dying soon. I must confess that I placed too much of my perception of Clow, my ideal of Clow, in him. Gray hair, the mix of silver and black; kind, cheery, almost eerily considerate, patient, caring. Clow wore glasses, and so does Yukito. I've never needed any, but the Snow Bunny is almost blind without them. Even Sakura noticed how like her father he is, and he does have most of Clow's kindness without his manipulation and almost malicious humour. No, Eriol does seem to have all of that……. Now, when I can look at Clow with a somewhat clearer head, I am forced to acknowledge that he was not as benign as I made Yukito.

The Snow Bunny once told me that I created him in order to reconcile my human heart with my magical nature. I have yet to understand fully the statement he made so casually, but I see the truth in it. Bound so much closer to the forces of magic than he is, I find that the moon's nature is imprinted within me, forcing my magic, my personality, and my actions into its mold. Yukito suffers from no such compulsion. He is freer than I am, less trammeled by my memories and my necessities, though I suspect sometimes that he knows more of me than I would have him know. I would keep him so. Let one part of me, at least, be free of the duties and obligations the Moon Guardian bears.

I think he understands why I want that.

**_Clow:_**

For one such as I, who has broken consistently with tradition, the word history has a certain innate repulsion. And yet, for one as focused as I on the future, history does hold a certain instinctive attraction as well, push and pull combining and canceling to ground me in the present. Where I need to be, where I desire to be, but cannot.

I realise that the events I consider – the escape and recapture of the Cards, the appointment and Judgment of the Card Captor, Sakura – are in a way already history. I have seen it, prepared for it, set off the hundred infinitesimal impulses that will ensure its eventual occurrence. Even my reincarnation, the one who shall hold my power, will _remember_ it with as much vividness as he will experience it. A heavy burden to lay on young shoulders, but I have – I must – I will – take it on. I have no doubt that I am capable of it, but I fear for the others, I fear for Sakura, I fear for the Guardians I created, so powerful and yet so fragile, as human as I, stronger yet weaker.

I fear for Yue.

I divided my soul in bringing forth their hearts – my deepest creations, my most human creations. To one, I gave my lightness, my playfulness, my love for sweets and food; my fits of temper, my grumbling, my loyalty, my cheerfulness. And to the other, I gave my mystery, my knowledge, my silence, my skill, my love for archery, beauty and for perfection; my sorrows and memories, my introspection.

My ability to love I shared between them. Cerberus might hide it behind his superficiality and Yue behind his brooding and aloof distance, but I have known moments of absolute awe that they both exceed me in that aspect.

To both, I gave the wisdom to realise that within all things lies its opposite, its complement. That while they complement each other, they are equally balanced within themselves as well, whole despite their solitude.

I fear that they will not understand this most crucial lesson in time.

And so I plan. I plan, with deliberate, desperate precision, for Kaho Mizuki, for the bell that will save Sakura and her friends from a Judgment that they would never have won. I know my Yue well enough that he would judge any candidate unworthy; I also know that I can rely on Cerberus to be less biased. I plan for Eriol, the self that I will become. I plan, knowing that I will never be thanked for my planning; that all I will ever hear from the fifty-four creatures who mean more to me than anything will at best be rage and despair, and at worst simple, mute resignation. I plan, and I can hear the comments my descendant will make, and young Kinomoto Touya. Sometimes, these comments make me laugh at their inaccuracy.

Other times…….. I realise exactly why I want to reincarnate.

I plan, hoping that I am doing the right thing. I need to know that my Cards and my Guardians will go to the right person, and that they will be happy with her. That is all I want, all I ever wanted for them. If I fail…………I mustn't fail.

Oh, Yue, forgive me if you can for what I must do.

You are so fiercely insistent on choice, so reluctant to force yourself upon anyone. It may be the passive energy of the Moon, or it may be my errant heart that made you so. I made you to be a part of me so that you could best know my vision, but you seem more like everything I am not. How I, with my love of manipulation, could create you, I have no idea. And forgive me if you can, Yue, for I must manipulate you further and betray your trust in me.

_**Yue:**_

Of course I knew, Clow. The moment I saw her in my true form, fully divorced from sweet, oblivious Yukito, I could feel your magics stirring within me in restless recognition. And I could feel their urge – _love her_, they whispered in my mind. _She is all that you need, your Mistress, your power, the object of your protection, your duty, your love._

They spoke. To me. In. Your. Voice.

What else could have driven me to such icy rage during the Judgment? Only my knowledge that she was the target of your plot, not the cause, stopped me from becoming executioner instead of judge. Only that, and……..

Clow, why must you see so much that you reach from beyond your grave to torment me? To control me? Why must you be so damned knowing that you can time to an instant the dawning of a feeling in my unwilling heart to an event that I did not even expect? Why must you care so much that you would expend so much effort, so much care, to ensure my safety, my happiness?

And knowing, seeing, caring, how could you leave me?

How could you imagine that I, your ultimate creation, would be so weak as to succumb to your long-dead will? Do you think so little of me, Clow?

You didn't see everything, did you? You didn't – maybe you couldn't – see beyond your reincarnation's entry into our lives. You expected Sakura to be much older when she opened the Book of Clow; you expected To-ya to have taught her to control and focus her magic; in short, you expected her to be able to sustain me.

And instead of a mature teenager with blossoming powers, the Card Captor was a child, courageous, inventive, tenacious, yes, but woefully ignorant of her heritage and her abilities. A child who burst into violent tears after her first capture. A child barely capable of sustaining the Cards alone, never mind the expenditure of power needed to fuel one as complex as I or my false form. That, I imagine, was why your smug little reincarnation was not around to trouble my mind during the Final Judgment.

And that was why Touya had to trade his mother for my life and Yukito's.

Or perhaps you saw the way it would unfold after all. Sakura's inability to maintain my power, my fading, my terror at my imminent death that I suppressed so deep that my false form was almost unaware of it – that I was almost unaware of it until it was suddenly lifted from me. Lifted from me at a shattering price – a price that Touya would never have to pay had you been more compassionate when you created me.

I pray, Clow, that you did not plan for that. For your sake and mine, I pray that you did not. I would never forgive either of us if you did.

I was as incapable of asking him as he was of not offering. That is who I am, and that is who he is – a protector, a nurturer, strength incarnate. It took years before I found the spell to restore his powers; still more until Sakura was strong enough to support me. Watching him sleep, feeling an exhaustion caused by the loss of his powers, was my favourite self-abasement. I spent those moments in a maelstrom of guilt and fear and rage. Guilt that I had stripped Touya's powers away, guilt that he didn't mind, guilt, most of all, that he loved me still. I could – I can – feel it thrum through the power he fed me, deep and strong.

And all I could think then was: _I can sink no lower than this. _

Oh, but I could have. I realise that now, as I prepare the spell that will release Touya's powers and return my dependency to Sakura. I could have listened to your insidious whispers, fallen as madly in love with Sakura as she used to be with me, won her back and broken several hearts in the process: Yukito's, Syaoran's, Touya's. That would stick to your plan, wouldn't it, Clow?

You did design me for her, after all.

_**Touya:**_

When I first met Yuki, it took me a while to get used to him. I was drawn to him in exactly the same way I was drawn to Kaho – and to Sakura. Magic to magic, heart to heart. I realised right away that he was not human, but it came as a bit of a surprise that _he_ didn't know. He didn't know what was wrong with him, but he was fading and he was dying. He must have been so scared. It was almost too late when I knew what I had to do, what I knew he'd never ask of me. Neither of them would. That's not who they are.

Yuki always seems too good to be true; I suppose everyone who knows him wonders how he can be such a model of kindness, whether it's real or not. The funny thing is, his identity actually is an elaborate fake – but everything he does is sincere. And the way he burrowed himself into my life and into my heart, where so few have entered – that was no game, no mask.

And then there is Yue. Who, on the surface, seems to be the exact opposite, not caring whose feelings he hurts (even his own) or what harm he does while fulfilling his duties. But the part of him that he chooses to show the world; his defense for being, as it were – that part is almost a saint. All I want is to tell him that he does not have to hide from himself, that he should accept this simple fact: we are what we desire to be, what we believe we are. Even if his innate nature is cold, his desire is to be as warm as Yukito is. Even if his past required him to be the Judgment Maker, his future can be whatever he wants to be. Yue, Yukito; they've become what the other can't. Together, they are perfect, and I wonder why they don't realise it.

**_Clow:_**

Death, after so many centuries, is merely an old friend who has never visited. Magicians as powerful as I am – as the Kinomotos will be – are near-immortal, as long as they do not lose the will to live. Death is a choice I have made.

I knew, even as I made the Clow Cards and wrote my name upon them, that I was not one who could control the power they had within themselves. I was strong, but strength is not always what makes an individual worthy or unworthy. I had lived too long. Too many centuries of prejudice, of bitter struggle to evolve my own system of magic in the teeth of opposition from everyone else I knew, even my own family; of loneliness, and the lack of equals with whom I could feel at home; of silent study untempered by the manic mischief and cheery banter that I had once been loved by all for. Somewhere, my heart had closed, and I sensed it as painfully clearly as the presence of my own creations. Somewhere, I had lost the freshness of heart, the innocent faith in the universe that I had once had. I needed a fresh start, to live a life unburdened by the past. Death and reincarnation seemed increasingly inviting.

The only thing that held me back was the knowledge of what would happen to my creations – my beautiful, powerful, all-too-human creations – once my power no longer sustained them.

So I found a worthy successor, a descendant of mine, one who would love, protect and delight in my Cards even as I did. Sakura. Her presence lit up everything around her, and her unfailing spirit, childlike though its tenacity was, convinced me that I needed to look no further for one who could carry on my legacy.

So I created my guardians, Cerberus and Yue, Sun and Moon, and gave them life. It would become their task to be the interim wielders of the Cards and the judges of their next mistress' worthiness.

So I planned for my reincarnations' births, and the distribution of their powers.

I knew that if I had to truly test Sakura, I would ultimately have to judge her myself. And so I ensured that one half of my soul would remember this lifetime. Hiiragizawa Eriol. Half-blood child, bearer of my power. He/I will create our own Cards and Guardians. I intend to leave everything behind and start afresh, but it will mean that my Cards will no longer be mine. A heavy price to pay, but they will be better off with Sakura than they would be with me. I divided myself into two souls deliberately. To be reborn as Eriol alone, with all my memories, I would have been the same person I am – not a satisfactory result. I sought progress as the goal of my next birth, not old and stagnant power.

And then I found that my Moon Guardian had fallen in love with me.

That was the only thing that I had never planned for, simply because it never occurred to me that such a thing might happen. My intentions for him were so different that I could barely grasp the implications of this emotion. I had created him for Sakura. I was going to die – I'd already begun the aging process and was well past the early-twenties persona I usually held – and he was immortal as the moon he had been made from. I was his master and his creator and everything to him and loving him – and allowing him to love me – would exploit his gratitude, his obedience, his _humanity_. And I had completely ignored all this by falling in love with him.

I knew, at the very moment when he indirectly, subtly confessed, that he would hate me as deeply as he loved me when I told him what I was going to do. Yue is not a creature of moderation. Every emotion for him is an extreme.

How could I explain to a creature who felt so deeply that I had selected someone else to be his soulmate? That his false form was almost conditioned to fall for the next Cardmistress? That even though I would reincarnate, I would not reclaim my Cards and my Guardians? What logic would appeal to a broken heart?

And so I kept silent. Let him be angry. Better that than despair. Anger will keep him alive, if only to extract answers or revenge. Ultimately, all I want is for him to be happy. If it means becoming the villain in his story, the betrayer, so be it.

_**Touya:**_

Waking up after the power transfer was like emerging from a dark underwater tank into a frantic crowd. The first thing I felt with my newly returned powers was Yue's anguish. It wasn't what I had been expecting. I've always been tuned to the emotions and thoughts of those around me, and the shock of losing the strength of that ability was nothing compared to the overstimulation of getting it back. I'd always felt an almost physical frustration radiating off him when he used my powers – or when I accidentally reminded him where he was drawing them from – and that frustration suddenly carried the force of a tidal wave.

I squeezed my eyes shut for a second, trying to grasp the calm that I had been feeling just a moment before, trying to control the flood of psychic input with tired and clumsy effort. Yue knew, though, as minute as the gesture had been. After all, he'd carried a part of me within him for years. The sudden silence of his aura as he blanked himself out was almost as painful as the emotion I'd been feeling before. Before I could ask him not to hide, he bolted through the open window, calling his wings forth as he arrowed straight for my father's house, where the book was. Then he changed his mind and banked, streaking west, flying so fast he left a bright white afterimage in my eyes.

And then, as my Sight came back to me, I understood.

All that effort I had made convincing Yue and Yuki that I didn't regret giving up my powers hadn't been enough. Worse, he was wondering if my feelings would remain the same now that I had my power back and we weren't so deeply linked anymore.

Which is actually insulting. I mean, I'm a seer. I knew precisely what I was giving up and what the consequences were and I'd do it again if I had to. Yue's guilt troubled me because there was no need for it, and though I could understand rationally the reasons he felt guilty, it was like a slap in the face to my feelings for him. As if I was a child who didn't understand anything beyond the moment. Or as if I was a fickle fool who let magical attraction dictate who I gave my heart to.

I sighed and dialed a number in England.

Sometimes Yue is so incredibly frustrating.

_**Yue:**_

I am so foolish, Clow. When I was young, with fledgling wisdom that has since deserted me, I believed that you had made me to complement you. To balance you. It is only now, as I try to rein in my renegade emotions, that I realise that you made me to balance _her_. You made me incomplete, in a way that Cerberus is not, dependent, passive, so that I would be less resistant to your will, and later to hers. You manipulated me into making a false form with a character that was uncannily like hers, cheerful, patient, social, caring (everything I am not), gave me a power that would draw everyone with power towards me, whether they realised it or not, and forced me into company with her brother to make me just unattainable enough to her to pique her interest. You expected Yukito to fall for Sakura, and he didn't. You expected me to love Sakura as well, and I………

This time, Clow, the joke seems to be on you.

I fell for the wrong sibling.

You designed me, Clow, to be irresistible to those with power. But in consequence, I have found myself attracted to those with power as well. When I was born, and until I was sealed, that was you. I never dared say the words out loud, even to myself, and we danced around them for all the time we were together as though they would be scalding to the touch. I wonder if, even as you created me, you placed me off-limits, with a little sign around my neck saying 'Potential Soulmate of Kinomoto Sakura– Do Not Touch' ?

No, that is childish. But was it that twinge of guilt that prevented you from ever revealing your feelings to me? How could you so easily give up what we almost had?

But you did. And now, except for the lingering pain that will fade, gently, like the waning of the moon, it doesn't really matter.

When I became conscious and active in Yukito's body, awakened by the release of the Cards, I knew immediately that something was not as it should be. The magical aura I was sensing was not that of the Card Captor – it was her brother's; my false form's best friend, not his sister, was the one who shone strongest to my eyes. And, in blind obedience to the dictates of my nature, Yuki and I revolved faithfully around Kinomoto Touya. I justified it by saying that being close to To-ya was a better way to watch the candidate; by saying that it was only natural for me to be close to the strongest magic user around, as my powers were magnified by his presence. Justification is a strange thing – the more you justify something, the better you can see what you can't explain away. For a long time I justified my feelings toward Touya; and then, with a flash of light and an embrace and a nearly-forgotten spell, his powers were mine and he'd lost the dark edge of magic that had always wrapped around him, that had drawn every magic user (with the glaring exception of Syaoran) to him as inexorably as filings to a magnet, just as mine had drawn others to me.

And I could still feel it – everything I had ever felt for him, everything Yukito had felt for him.

I can still feel it.

Even now, an hour after returning his powers to him.

I loved him, without his powers. And now that he has them back, I find that nothing has changed. I don't love Sakura. I have defied you, Clow, broken your conditioning.

The nature of our history permits no fond memories, Clow. You burned me with your indirect, repeated and damning rejection, and I made no outcry. You almost ordered me to fail, after creating me with a drive for perfection, and I accepted; for that was what I did, what I was convinced I was created to do – obey you. And then you cut me free of your presence but left tendrils of your commands in my mind. Too far. You have gone too far with this. I refuse to allow you or anyone else to control me.

But still a traitor thought lingers._ Did you plan this, too………? Did you push me towards Sakura knowing that that would force me into To-ya's arms?_

Turning in my mad flight to the book and temporary oblivion, I head westward, the moon at my back, lighting my way and throwing my features into shadow as I fly to England.

I can bear this uncertainty no longer.

I must have answers.

_**Eriol:**_

I must confess that I never expected Yukito to choose Touya. I told Yue as much before I left Tomoeda, but I wonder if he believed me then. Now, after his choice was made, it seems terribly obvious why he did. Yue chose Touya because the boy was the only one who could understand the complexities of his nature. Yukito chose him for a different reason altogether. The false form had to have some subconscious awareness of the Guardian within him. After all, Yue's skills and preferences bled over into Yukito's life – just as Yukito's seeped into Yue's. Yukito's love of archery is just one thing that he has absorbed from his other form; as one who knows Yue better than anyone else, I can see a hundred little tricks of speech and action that reveal Yukito as Yue. And if this false form knew something about what lay hidden within him, he would have tried, quietly, passively, instinctively, as is his way, to understand what it was.

Of course he would choose Touya, whose nature is so like Yue's.

And of course Touya would choose them. The division between the two aspects of the Moon Guardian is not unlike the complexity of Touya's own soul – cold and caring, distanced and sacrificing, possessive and protecting, dark and bright.

Yue chose Touya, rejecting Clow's plan, but when I saw why, I did not doubt that he had done the right thing. Perhaps I – perhaps Clow was not so all-seeing. After all, I never expected Sakura and Syaoran to get together, and that worked out perfectly.

I knew the power transfer wasn't permanent, of course. Magical dependency doesn't work that way, whatever Yue and Touya thought at the time. While I regretted Touya's loss of power, it didn't trouble me unduly. After all, ten years is not too long.

Sakura rang me up a few hours ago to tell me that the return of Touya's powers had been accomplished without any complications. Touya was sleeping the effects off, he would wake soon, and both he and Yue were just fine. She added thoughtfully that I might be having a visitor soon. She said no more, but I knew. Touya's exasperatedly concerned call an hour or so later merely reinforced my certainty.

Of course he'll come tonight.

I made little effort to explain myself to Yue when he visited me after Sakura transformed all the Cards. Something, some innate sense of time told me to wait until he cracked, until he was open to himself, to wait until he sought me out to tell him what I had done and why.

All Clow wanted, and all I want, is for those I care about to be happy. I may not love Yue as my other self did, but I care for him as I care for Ruby Moon – child of my heart, guardian and trusted friend. As a half of his creator – and of the man who broke his heart – I have a severe responsibility towards Yue. I intend to fulfill it.

Oh, Yue.

_**Touya:**_

Yue and Yuki. Perhaps I'll never fully understand why they are what they are, the past that conspired to make them two such different and still intertwining personalities. It is irrelevant. The past is the prism through which the present is reflected; but when viewed through memory instead of clarity, white turns to colour and shapes our lives in directions they may never have taken. I have no Return card to see their past, but I don't need to. I have always known them.

Yue rarely speaks to me about his relationship with Clow. From what he leaves unsaid, from half-finished sentences, indirect hints and expressive eyes, I have gathered some idea of what did happen. It is clear enough to horrify me, but vague enough that I dare not speak for fear of making a mistake. Clow made Yue to fulfill the requirements for a Moon Guardian; he also, if Yue assumes correctly, fell in love with the Guardian and Yue with him. But Clow never permitted Yue to tell him, to show him that he loved him. He simply closed himself off in his sorcery, leaving Yue purposeless, and with a haunting sense of inadequacy. Clow knew his guardian loved him, and Yue knew he knew. And no matter why Clow severed that aspect of their relationship, it was a comprehensive rejection of everything Yue offered. Worse, he made Yue design a false form for himself, to help him get closer to the future Cardmistress, which made his rejection even worse. I wonder if Yuki's obsessive desire to please everyone around him is some leftover impulse Yue had during his creation; his need to convince Clow that he was adequate for him, that he could please him if only he knew how, if he was allowed. Or if Yue made Yuki what he is so that he could feel closer to his perception of Clow.

_**Yukito:**_

This might sound strange, but knowing about Yue made me feel less alienated from the rest of the world. It was like seeing in colour for the first time, knowing what I was missing. It took me too long to realise that I wasn't actually missing anything. I am complete, even though I am a part of someone else. Yue still refuses to believe me. I think sometimes that if he accepted, he would be forced to sever his last ties to Clow and embrace his present completely. I don't know if he has the strength to do that. Even with the adopted family he has, he feels alone. To-ya tells me that Moon-aligned magic carries the price of loneliness. I suppose that he'd know more about it than I, even if I am Yue's false form. He is moon-aligned; I'm only magical enough to be inclined to spending full moon nights on the roof. The nights that Yue isn't off exploring the outer reaches of the atmosphere, that is.

After Yue revealed his presence to me, I wondered for a long time if To-ya was my friend only because he sensed the power I had and was attracted to it. I wondered if any of the people who mattered to me were actually drawn to my self and not my magic – especially since my favourite people all seemed to know more about myself than I did.

Then I realised that Yue was having exactly the same problem for different reasons; wondering if those he cared about would love him as they loved me. That reassured me. Insecurity made Yue (and therefore myself) more human.

Later, much later, I realised it didn't matter whether To-ya liked me for my magic or my personality or the Yue within me. My magic and my self and my mind and my heart are inseparable, and To-ya understood both of us better than we did. It didn't matter what had brought us together. Whatever the reasons our lives had wound around each others' – Sakura, To-ya, Yue, Kero, Clow, Syaoran, Sakura's parents, Tomoyo, Eriol, myself – whatever our history with each other was, after a point, it doesn't really matter. The past only has as much power as we give it. And I, for one, live in the present. At first, this was because of my fear; now it is a choice. And I know that if Yue were to let go, he would find the same peace that I've found.

And maybe, just maybe, this closure that Yue is seeking will provide the key to making us one. Making us complete.

_**Eriol:**_

While I was testing Sakura, a part of my traitor soul insisted on watching Yue with extra intensity. I watched him struggle to hide his fading from his mistress – and from her brother. To everyone else, that nice Tsukishiro-kun was just really tired lately, but we both knew what was happening. I wonder when Touya realised what he had to do. Yue knew all along, of course. I knew he would have killed himself gladly if such an act were not forbidden by his nature, and not seeking an alternate power source would have accomplished his aim while sticking to the letter of the duties he was assigned. At no other point in my role as Clow's reincarnation have I been so tempted to stray from his plotted course. If Touya had not offered……. I would have had to intercede. I was even willing to reveal myself and abort the final testing of the Cardmistress if it would prevent Yue's death.

Yue sought me out at home that night, just as Sakura and Touya had said he would. He arrived unobtrusively, almost as if he thought I wasn't expecting him. He should have known his family better. He ranted and railed at me, hiding his tears in his rage, his heartbreak in his cutting words. A part of my heart was breaking with his, but I concealed everything behind that smile my previous incarnation was famous for. Waited, patiently, calmly, reassuringly until he had screamed himself out, in a manner most uncharacteristic of the detached Moon Guardian, and he was quiet, gasping with the effort to regain himself after losing so much of his pent-up emotion, like a river after a flood. Then I spoke to him quietly, about Clow and about myself and about the plan we had made for the future, for him and for his little adopted family, and how it had gone off on such a tangent but turned out just fine in spite of that. He listened, too tired not to, and I spoke until he calmed, until he understood. I read him my previous incarnation's diary, two entries about Yue, and he listened in absolute silence, tears sliding down his face.

Yue. Angry, stubborn, beautiful, complex Yue. The answer was right in front of him all along; he didn't see it because he didn't want to. He can be remarkably blind when he wants to be…….exactly like his false form.

The past is for learning from, not living in. It doesn't matter what happened, the present and its future are all we have. Lives shatter and rebuild every second, and everything that can happen happens all the time.

I am no god, Yue. I am not a heartless manipulator either. I am human, with all the strength and frailty that implies. This is the truth, and if not accepting it is causing you this pain then I must drive the fact home with no regard for your feelings.

When he left, I wept for a long time. Because he finally understood, because I didn't have to worry anymore, and because the clarity in his eyes as he called his wings forth was so painfully bright.

_**Yue:**_

Coming to terms with beliefs is not an easy thing. I believed that Clow would never leave me. I believed that I would never choose another master. I believed that Clow knew best what my life should be like. I believed that obedience was my lot.

Today, I find myself in the fairly unique position of a creation – a _property_, some would call me – that defied its creator and remade itself. And I find I like it. I suppose that many would interpret this to mean that I have defied my God. I don't. Clow was human. Eriol is human. I understand that now. And it is profoundly freeing.

For years, I doubted myself, the truth of my feelings. Was I betraying Clow by loving Touya? Was I betraying Touya by constantly wondering whether I should have stuck to the plan and accepted Sakura? What if my choosing Touya had indirectly led to his losing his powers? If I had chosen Sakura, would everything have somehow been different? What was I doing to Yukito with my own wrenching uncertainty?

Those questions fall away from me now, fall away like the wind that makes my eyes water as my wings fly me back home to Tomoeda. I don't know when exactly the words Eriol spoke made sense enough for me to feel this……..release, but it is sweet and sharp in my heart, like the suddenly unambiguous emotion I feel for the Kinomoto family, for Clow and Eriol, even that food-obsessed bad-tempered idiot brother of mine. Love, pure and simple, that's what it is.

Everything is clear now, clear as moonlight.

I smile.

A/N: though it shares some basic concepts, this fic is NOT in the same storyline as 'the Moon-ruled' - in case anyone is wondering. This is the very first fanfic I wrote, and while my other long Yue fic was inspired by this one it developed very differently. It actually started out as a literary criticism of CCS and Yue's character in particular and somehow wound up being...this. As to why I was writing a character study of Yue...ahem. I'm weird that way.

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